The Great Wall

Warcraft was a really bad movie. It was dumb, boring, and awful. But it did really well in China. So it’s no surprise that The Great Wall, which is basically just Chinese Warcraft, is already raking in the money in China, even while it’ll likely be a flop in the US.

A bunch of non-Chinese guys, led by an Irishman named William (Matt Damon), are in China because they’ve heard about this thing called black powder and they want to see if they can get some. And then they get attacked by this big dog-like monster. After William cuts its leg off, it falls into a chasm and dies, but not before it kills everyone else except a Spaniard named Tovar (Pedro Pascal). And then the two of them get captured by the Chinese.

William and Tovar probably would’ve been killed by the Chinese, except they were also being attacked by a giant horde of these creatures, just as has happened every sixty years for the last couple of thousand years. A long time ago, a meteor slammed into a mountain, turned it green, and these creatures came out. They all seem to be telepathically controlled by a single queen, but that communication seems to be disrupted by the magnet that William just happens to be carrying with him. And when William helps them fend off an attack with his amazing archery, it feels good, and he decides that he wants to do something more meaningful with his life than to try to make off with some explosives. So in short, it’s Mattniss Everdamon versus telepathic, meteor-spawned, greed-fueled dog monsters.

This is one dumb movie. It prefers CGI over making sense, and it prefers throwing money around over making good decisions. So that probably explains how Damon got involved, along with Andy Lau, Tian Jing, Eddie Peng, and Willem Dafoe. The plot holes are massive, and the movie keeps returning to an unnecessary storyline whose only purpose seems to be padding out the runtime. But it’s actually pretty short, and it moves pretty quickly most of the time. So between that, its upbeat Warcrafty soundtrack, and your constant surprise at just how much stupidity it can cram in, you probably won’t have a chance to be bored.