Woody Allen is a pretty inconsistent filmmaker. While last year’s Midnight in Paris deserved all the praise that it got and more, the 2010 film You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger was a real disappointment. His entire career is spotted with truly great work intermingled with mediocrity. With To Rome with Love, he provides both in the same film.

In the style of New York, I Love You and Paris, Je T’aime, To Rome With Love tells a collection of stories that are largely unrelated except that they take place in the same city. Those stories include:

• Hayley (Alison Pill), an American student studying abroad, falls in love with and gets engaged to Michelangelo (Flavio Parenti). Her parents, Jerry and Phyllis (Woody Allen and Judy Davis) are coming to meet Michelangelo and his parents.
• Antonio and Milly are newlyweds on their honeymoon. Milly goes out for a walk by herself and gets lost, while Antonio has to pretend that a prostitute (Anna, played by Penélope Cruz) is his new wife.
• Jack (Jesse Eisenberg) is an architecture student living with his girlfriend Sally (Greta Gerwig). When Jack meets all-star architect Jerry (Alec Baldwin), Jerry spends all his time trying to make Jack fall for Sally’s best friend Monica (Ellen Page).
• Leopoldo (Roberto Benigni) is a completely ordinary man with a normal office job who suddenly finds himself the most popular man in Rome. The public can’t seem to get enough of even the most mundane aspects of his life.

The stories aren’t really connected, but they’re told in an intertwined manner that allows us to stay involved with all the characters for the duration of the film. This is an interesting approach, but it seems to backfire because while each of them starts strong and maintains that plateau for most of its duration, each also has a weak ending. As a result, the first eighty minutes of the movie is the kind of charming perfection we get for all of Midnight in Paris, but it almost immediately transforms into something lackluster and clumsy as it begins to tie up loose ends and finish up those stories. Had the stories been told serially rather than in parallel, then the moments of tedium would have been shorter and the film immediately revitalized by the start of the next. On the other hand, if they’d managed to come up with a decent ending to even one of the stories, then the whole thing could have also been saved.

It’s not fair to imply that To Rome with Love is a bad film, because that’s far from the truth. When it’s hitting on all cylinders, it’s on par with some of the best of Allen’s films, and when it begins to flounder it never becomes bad but rather just stops being good. In the beginning, it’s easy to overlook minor flaws (like a very stuttery 360-degree sweeping shot when Milly begins to realize she doesn’t know where she is), and there seem to be fewer technical missteps near the end when they would be more easily noticed. It’s really the hope of what could have been rather than any specific shortcoming that leave you with a soured impression.

I graduated college with a minor in math, and I’ve actually used a decent amount of it in the real world. Like now, when I can tell you that the prefix “dodeca” means twelve rather than twenty (that’s “icosa”), that the correct term for a competition with twenty-five events would be “icosikaipentathlon” (I looked it up), and that anyone who would seriously compete in that kind of competition would probably beat me up for pointing that out.

That probably includes brothers Jeremy and Mark (Mark Kelly and Steve Zissis, respectively, who really do look like they could be brothers). They had their own private version of the incorrectly-titled event when they were in high school over twenty years ago. It was all tied up with twelve wins each heading into the final event, but their father intervened and spoiled the outcome. Jeremy declared an outright win, while Mark claimed interference. Rather than simply call for a redo, they began a feud that would take them well into their thirties.

Now they’re grown, and Mark’s birthday is coming up. He’s going with his wife Stephanie (Jennifer Lafleur) and son Hunter (Reid Williams) on their annual trip to visit his mother Alice (Julie Vorus). Jeremy wasn’t invited, but shows up anyway and immediately throws down the gauntlet. Stephanie, worried about Mark’s mental and physical well-being, tries to intervene, but Mark’s competitive bug has been awakened and must be satisfied even if his family suffers as a result.

IMDB lists the film as a comedy, but that’s a very generous classification. While it does try to be funny, there’s nothing the movie that truly achieves that, and it is occasionally so awkward that it actually becomes uncomfortable. It also spends a good amount of time being serious, but most of those moments are predictable and therefore have no emotional impact.

It doesn’t help that nearly all the characters are so completely despicable that we almost want bad things to happen to them. The decades-long animosity between the brothers is founded on a completely trivial issue that could have been easily addressed with a rematch of the final event. Stephanie may be inexplicably overbearing in her stance against the competition, but that doesn’t excuse Mark’s apparent willingness to throw away his marriage over it, nor Jeremy’s berating him for the little hesitation he does show.

If there is anything about the film that is weaker than its story or characters, it would be the camera work. It appears that the camera operator is either unwilling or unable to provide a steady shot, but really loves zooming in and out, even at the cost of keeping the image in focus. You’re not going to get seasick by watching the movie, but it’s definitely noticeable.

Ultimately, The Do-Deca-Pentathlon is a complete disappointment. While it’s not egregiously bad, it’s a pretty long way from being good. There’s no need to rush out and see this one.

It’s only been ten years since Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst starred in the first movie of their Spider-Man trilogy, and only five years since the last. I don’t know anyone who was clamoring for another version of the same story, but if they were then this is probably not the one they were hoping for.

Peter Parker (played by Andrew Garfield) is pretty smart, but he frequently does very unintelligent things. When he develops a crush on Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone), it’s understandable but unrealistic. When he tries to intervene in a fight between a jock and a fellow weakling, it’s noble but painful. When he sneaks into the scientific research firm Oscorp while investigating the disappearance of his father, it’s foolish and dangerous. But when he climbs into a strange machine full of lasers and spiders, he’s out of his mind. Of course he gets bitten, and of course it gives him super-strength, super-stickiness, and super-douchiness. Fortunately for him the third one of these wears off, but not before it somehow makes him more attractive to Gwen. He doesn’t get the ability to spin or shoot webs, but he just takes a machine to do that from Oscorp, makes himself a costume, and he’s all set to fight crime.

His brand of vigilante justice makes him popular with the public, but the police don’t share that opinion. That’s especially true of the police captain, who just happens to be Gwen’s dad. But when a giant lizard (who looks a lot like King Koopah from the awful Super Mario Brothers movie) starts to terrorize the city, the police force isn’t particularly effective and it’s up to Spider-Man to take him down before he completes his goal of turning everyone else in the city into monsters like him.

The Amazing Spider-Man really isn’t so amazing. I do think that Andrew Garfield is a better actor than Tobey Maguire, and Emma Stone is better than Kirsten Dunst. I also like the mechanical web-slinger (which I believe is also consistent with at least some of the comics), but it’s odd that no one seemed to connect the use of lightweight, ultra-strong material with the only company in the world capable of making it. It’s also ludicrous that no one seems to suspect that the emergence of the lizard guy might be in some way connected to the research of the world’s foremost expert on herpetology whose life’s work has been trying to merge lizard and human DNA.

The new movie lacks the enjoyability of the previous series, and a big part of that is its unoriginality. It’s true that both are kind of telling the same story, but it’s up to the newcomer to distinguish itself from the existing work rather than just copying it. There are a lot of the same images between the films, like the need to save people dangling from a bridge, or the need for Spider-Man to get assistance from civilians. Despite having a different villain and a different love interest, nothing about the latest film seems fresh. If you’re in the mood for a Spider-Man movie, then you’d be better off just watching the first two films from the last trilogy than going out to the new one.

At the time I’m writing this, IMDB’s recommendation engine seems to think that Magic Mike has something in common with the 1926 classic The General, in which Buster Keaton plays a locomotive engineer in the south during the civil war who needs to rescue his train and his girl when they are taken by union soldiers. I certainly wish there had been a lot more similarities. I wish Magic Mike had been more original, more respectful to women, and more silent. But most of all, I wish it had been good.

Mike (Channing Tatum) dreams of the day when he can live on the beach and make and sell custom furniture. But he can’t afford to do that right now, so he spends his days working in construction and his nights as the featured performer in an up-and-coming Tampa strip club owned by Dallas (Matthew McConaughey). The money is good and the girls are easy, so it’ll do for now.

Mike’s day job introduces him to Adam (Alex Pettyfer), who is failing to make a good impression as a roofer after squandering a college football scholarship. When Adam is out for a night on the town, he runs into Mike while he’s trying to drum up business for the strip club. Mike tells Adam that he can earn a few dollars if he can help round up some customers, which he does admirably. And later that night when a stripper goes down with an injury, Adam finds himself on the stage taking it off.

Steven Soderbergh is a talented director, which probably makes Magic Mike one of the best-shot male stripper movies in existence (although I can’t say that I’ve seen many others to compare it with), but otherwise there is absolutely nothing of value. The story is shallow and unoriginal, and while it may have superficial similarity with Boogie Nights, it has neither the quality cast nor the quality performances. What it does have is a lot of cliches, from absurd costumes and dance routines (including the obligatory “It’s Raining Men”) to a scene in which police busting a sorority house party turn out to be not actually police. The too-big-for-his-britches newcomer quickly finds himself in trouble with drugs and drug dealers. And of course about half the dialogue from the constantly-shirtless McConaughey includes the phrase “all right, all right, all right.”

I honestly can’t understand why critics have treated Magic Mike so favorably. The the acting and the story are unremarkable, it’s much too long, and the end is completely unsatisfying. One could probably argue that you don’t go to a movie about strippers for the story, but I’d suggest that if you just want to see strippers, then you should just go to a strip club, and you can scream “woo” all you want without impacting the quality of the presentation. If you want to see a movie, then you can do a lot better than Magic Mike.

Danish audiences are familiar with the work of Frank Hvam and Casper Christensen because they’ve had six seasons of their television show Klown (in which they play characters named Frank Hvam and Casper Christensen). But most Americans won’t be able to get their first look at their comedy until July 27, when the feature film of the same name is released in theaters and on VOD, and it’s definitely worth a look.

Frank and Casper aren’t really outdoorsmen, but they’re planning a canoe trip because Mia and Iben (the women in their lives) don’t want to go canoeing and won’t accompany them. This gives the guys a chance to get in their annual doses of marijuana and infidelity, and it’s no accident that the route for their trip takes them right by a music festival and one of Denmark’s greatest brothels.

Shortly before their trip, Frank learns that Mia is pregnant, but for some reason, she doesn’t have a lot of confidence in Frank’s ability to be a good father. To give him a chance to prove himself, she sets up an opportunity for Frank to babysit her nephew Bo for a night. But when things don’t go so well with that, Frank takes it upon himself to kidnap Bo and take him along on the canoe trip. Frank is determined to somehow be a good father figure while Casper is chasing after girls only a few years older than Bo.

Klown is a hilarious raunchy comedy with a big heart and a small willy. It’s definitely not for people who are offended by nudity or sexual situations (and it’s kind of surprising that it managed to achieve an R rating), but it is for people who like really funny things. A lot of the comedy comes from uncomfortable situations, but it never crosses the line into becoming so awkward that it’s difficult to watch, even when you can see a situation building well in advance of the payoff. I do think that the film’s green-band trailer spoils a couple of jokes and some plot points, and the red-band trailer gives away one of the funniest scenes, so I’d recommend not watching either of them before seeing the movie. But this isn’t a film that gives everything away, so even if you’ve already seen either of the trailers then you’ll still find a lot to love about it.

Although it was originally intended for fans of the television series, the movie isn’t at all difficult to follow for people who have never seen the show, although the film probably references the show in ways that I didn’t catch. Tim League, founder of Klown distributor Drafthouse Films (and the Alamo Drafthouse), has suggested that if there’s enough interest in the film that they may also release the TV show, and I certainly hope that will become a reality.

There are some films which are spoiler proof. That is, they are so bizarre or indescribable that it’s virtually impossible for someone to be told enough about the movie to ruin the experience of watching it. On the other hand, there are films whose plot is so basic and familiar that you could just about write the movie from a one-sentence description of it. Your Sister’s Sister is firmly in the second category.

Jack (Mark Duplass) is having a rough time. His brother Tom died a year ago, and he’s been in a real funk since then. His best friend Iris (Emily Blunt) has finally had enough of it and suggests that he get away to her family’s lake cabin to take some alone time and clear his head, and he reluctantly agrees. But when he arrives, he’s surprised to find the cabin occupied. Iris’ half sister Hannah (Rosemarie DeWitt) is doing her own bit of wallowing after ending a seven-year relationship.

Once they get past their awkward meeting, they separate to rooms in opposite corners to suffer alone. But neither can sleep, and they each make their way to the kitchen for what turns into a late-night drinking binge. One thing leads to another, and drinking turns into sex. It’s something they would have surely regretted on their own the next morning, but the process is accelerated when they hear Iris pulling into the driveway to surprise Jack. Jack and Hannah hurriedly agree that it would be a very bad idea to let Iris in on what happened, adding yet another layer of awkwardness to their time together.

Your Sister’s Sister is a surprisingly dull and poorly-executed film. I like all three of the leads, and while their acting isn’t particularly inspired, it is also far from the biggest problem with the movie. That honor goes to the film’s audio, which is almost painful at times. Most of the movie has no score and sparse dialogue, so the only thing you hear (aside from audience members shifting in their seats) is a hiss coming from the speakers. And when someone does say something, it’s often loud and harsh-sounding which distracts you from what they have to say. When there is a score, it’s basic and unremarkable.

I was also unimpressed with the visual quality, with the digital image looking very grainy, especially in dark scenes. The scene in which Jack arrives at the house is particularly bad, and the light level is so inconsistent that it almost appears to be pulsing. The extensive use of a handheld camera with no stabilization means that the frame is constantly bobbing up and down and side to side. It’s not severe enough to make you seasick, but it’s definitely noticeable.

The audiovisual problems would be a problem for just about any kind of film, but they’re almost inescapable in this film because it’s so predictable and boring that you’re compelled to take note of what’s happening outside the story. There are really only two surprises in the entire film, but the first doesn’t do much to help improve it, and the second actually works more to its detriment.

I hadn’t expected a lot of originality from the movie, but I’d hoped that the quality cast would be given a smart enough dialogue to win me over. But the film’s complete lack of creativity, especially when accompanied by its technical failings, destroyed any chance I might have had to enjoy it.

Seth MacFarlane’s Family Guy started off as a great show, but over the years has fallen into a rut and has lost its sense of innovation. It can still make me laugh, but it’s just not as exciting as it used to be. And American Dad seemed to start off slow without even the great honeymoon period. When I heard MacFarlane was making a movie, I was immediately skeptical and assumed it would basically be a feature-length version of his television style. But I was very happy to discover that Ted is both fresh and funny.

When John (Mark Wahlberg) was little, none of the other kids liked him. He was so desperate for attention that when his parents got him a stuffed teddy bear for Christmas, he instantly formed a bond with it and told it all his secrets. He was in love with the bear, but wished it was alive so that it would be a less one-sided relationship. And for some reason, John got that wish. Ted actually came to life, and not just in a way that only John could see in some kind of psychosis. Ted quickly achieved international fame, and then almost as quickly faded from the public eye.

But unlike the rest of the world, John didn’t lose interest in him. They grew up together (actually, only John grew, but at least Ted’s voice changed to from that of a high-pitched kid to a deeper Peter Griffin), and started doing more grown-up things like drinking and smoking pot and having sexy parties. But when John met Lori (Mila Kunis), he formed a very different kind of friendship with her, and one in which Ted always seemed to be in the way. While Ted wanted to keep partying with the old John, Lori wanted something a little more mature and was frustrated by his frequent childishness and unreliability. Things were quickly coming to a head, and it became apparent that John wasn’t going to be able to keep both of them.

Ted is a very crude comedy, but it’s legitimately funny and surprisingly smart. It’s quite a bit farther from Family Guy than I expected, and there’s not a single non sequitur hard cut to lead you off on some tangent. It’s true that MacFarlane, Kunis, Alex Borstein, and Patrick Warburton all have roles in both the show and the movie, and I suppose that you could argue that a living, talking teddy bear isn’t really all that far from a talking dog, but each has a completely different feel, and Ted really benefits from it. That, in conjunction with humor that has more to it than just vulgarity, really helps save the film from an otherwise unoriginal plot.

There’s also a shocking amount of nostalgia in the movie. There are references to all kinds of 80s and 90s movies and television, with shout-outs to Flash Gordon, Top Gun, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, Knight Rider, Mommie Dearest, Airplane!, and numerous others. Most of these aren’t particularly subtle so spotting them isn’t that much of an accomplishment, but it’s still a good way to feel superior to all the young whipper-snappers in the audience who probably still have teddy bears of their own.

Ted isn’t the kind of film that’s going to teach you a lesson or shock you with its plot twists. It isn’t profound, and it’s not for the easily offended. But it is a lot funnier than I expected, and it’s probably the kind of film that will benefit from seeing it with an audience. If you’re in the mood for a simple, mindless comedy, then you could do a lot worse.

One of the great things about the Alamo Drafthouse is their specialty programming, and one of their regular series, Master Pancake Theater, involves comedians making fun of popular films while they’re playing on the big screen. This is always a great experience, but it often leads me to sit through movies I wouldn’t have seen under any other circumstances, like Twilight and Sex and the City. But in this case, it does allow me to knowledgeably say that Lola Versus is essentially the same as Sex and the City except that Lola (played by Greta Gerwig) has fewer friends.

Lola isn’t a particularly motivated person. Most of her post-college years have been spent aimless and only occasionally in the employ of her mother (Debra Winger) at her restaurant. She’s been dating Luke (Joel Kinnaman) long enough that it’s become monotonous, and her friends Henry (played by Hamish Linklater, and apparently one of Luke’s only friends) and Alice (Zoe Lister Jones) aren’t exactly climbing the corporate or social ladders themselves.

But perhaps there is some hope. Lola has recently returned to school in hopes of getting a Ph.D. in literature (although that isn’t exactly going to open a whole lot of career paths for her), and Luke finally proposed. Unfortunately, her marriage hopes are dashed when Luke backs out late in the process, leaving Lola angry and depressed and Henry caught in the middle as a mutual friend. The next several months are to be filled with alcohol and bad decisions.

Lola Versus is quite possibly the longest 87-minute movie I have ever seen. The four main characters in this film are all vapid losers, although occasionally hiding behind a shell of intellectualism. Hippie culture is on prominent display through artistic bents (Lola’s literature studies, Luke’s painting, Henry’s music, and Alice’s acting), free love, substance abuse, yoga, ingestion of horrific vegan matter, and general atmosphere. Lola’s parents (and especially her father, played by Bill Pullman in a role that may be the most enjoyable part of the film) are hippies themselves and clearly passed it on to her, but it’s not clear why the others act that way.

It’s hard to see any real purpose to the film. Its plot, which follows Lola and her friends through a series of failures and poor choices, isn’t very compelling, and Lola’s big realization at the end of the film is something that is blatantly obvious to the audience from the beginning. There is occasionally an amusing turn of phrase that keeps it from being a complete waste, but it’s certainly not funny enough to justify seeing it on comedic merit.

At least Sex and the City knows that it’s not a good movie and doesn’t hide behind a veil of false sophistication. Plus, it had characters with understandable motivations and occasional nudity. While it may be a better film, the only thing Lola Versus really has to offer is worthless people making bad choices.

I hate Wes Anderson films. His comedies never seem to achieve anything beyond slight amusement, and his films are set in worlds and populated with people that I despise. I think that he, more than anyone else, is responsible for the destruction of Bill Murray. I don’t “get” Rushmore or The Royal Tenenbaums, and I absolutely hated The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Moonrise Kingdom falls somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.

The film is set on the reasonably large island of New Penzance in the mid 1960s. There is a fair amount of wilderness on the island, and a Khaki Scout troop is taking advantage of that for a summer camp, but there are also a handful of permanent residents, including Walt and Laura Bishop (Bill Murray and Frances McDormand) and their children. A year ago, Khaki Scout Sam (Jared Gilman) met Suzy Bishop (Kara Hayward) and they hit it off right away. They forged a pen pal relationship, which they used to formulate a plan to run away together.

When the time arrives, Sam sneaks out of camp and Suzy from her house. They’re both discovered missing the next morning, and an all-out search is initiated, including the members of the scout troop and local police officer Duffy Sharp (Bruce Willis). But Sam, who is an adept woodsman in addition to being an orphan that doesn’t get along well with the other scouts, doesn’t really want to be caught and will do his best to evade capture. That won’t be easy with Suzy, though, because neither her attire nor her luggage are particularly well suited for the wilderness.

Anderson’s touch is immediately apparent in the film’s visual style. The camera angles are too “dead on”, and he attempts to screw with your sense of proportion by having oversized objects in small rooms and a very deep focus. People wear unrealistic outfits and speak with unnatural dialogue. His adoration for hipster culture is annoying in modern times and completely out of place for the 1965 environment in which the film was set.

Moonrise Kingdom is purportedly a comedy, but I didn’t find anything in it to be all that funny. Nearly all of the laughs coming from the audience are at scenes which are included in the trailer, which suggests that either the majority of the audience hadn’t seen the trailer at all and were experiencing everything fresh or were simply laughing at what was already familiar to them. Although I frequently avoid trailers as part of my moviegoing experience, this does not seem to be a common practice among the general public, so I’m guessing it’s more the latter than the former. And if you have seen the trailer, then not only have you already experienced the majority of the supposed-to-be-funny scenes, but also the majority of the film’s plot.

I really wanted to like Moonrise Kingdom. The breadth of my taste in film has grown substantially over the last couple of years, and it really seems like people truly love his work. But I am not one of those people. I still hate Wes Anderson films.

Mark Duplass is a very busy man. In addition to his work on the hilarious television program The League, he’s recently been involved in various capacities with Jeff, Who Lives at Home, Darling Companion, Your Sister’s Sister, The Do-Deca-Pentathlon, People Like Us, and now Safety Not Guaranteed. I’ve really liked a lot of his stuff, and Safety Not Guaranteed continues that trend.

Darius (Aubrey Plaza) dreams of becoming a journalist, and hopes that her internship at Seattle Magazine will help move her career along that path. It’s a very thankless job and she’s at the bottom of the totem pole, but she’s willing to do anything that might help her get ahead. When a roundtable discussion brings up an unusual listing in the classifieds about a man asking for a companion for a time-travelling adventure, she jumps at the chance to accompany Jeff (Jake M. Johnson) and fellow intern Arnau (Karan Soni) on a trip to seek out its author to get his story.

After tracking down Kenneth (Mark Duplass) to the P.O. box given in his ad, the Jeff, Darius, and Arnau stalk him to his job at a grocery store and then to his house. But when Jeff tried to approach him as a respondent to the ad, Kenneth was immediately suspicious and paranoid. But Darius was much more successful with her attempt, so while Jeff was off attending to his sex life and Arnau’s lack of one, she was surreptitiously pumping Kenneth for information while they made preparations for this alleged time travel adventure.

There’s a lot to like about this film. It’s smart and relatable, but doesn’t rely on quirky, unrealistic dialogue or stupid gimmicks. It’s simple and inexpensive, but doesn’t look or sound cheap, and I particularly enjoyed the faint ticking that’s barely audible in the film’s quieter scenes. But while the central plot with Kenneth and Darius carries the film, the other story lines with Jeff and Arnau, and with Jeff and his old flame Liz (Jenica Bergere), seem largely superfluous. They’re not worthless, but they are a little distracting.

Safety Not Guaranteed shares a number of similarities with another recently-released film, Sound of My Voice. Both are small independent mumblecore films featuring a group of people who intend to exploit a purported time traveler (in the former, to get a good magazine article, and in the latter to expose a cult leader as a fraud). But whereas Sound of My Voice has some legitimate tension at times, Safety Not Guaranteed keeps things light. Both are enjoyable, but I prefer a little more danger than the film had to offer.

Had there been more focus and anxiety, Safety Not Guaranteed would have been a truly great film. But even slightly flawed, it’s still a pretty good movie and well worth your time.